Kegwell & Cigaretoric
A PresiDENTial Debate
Cast Of Characters:
SENATOR KEGWELL: A life–size red, white and blue beer can costume with “Gutweider” written across stomach
SENATOR CIGARETORIC: A life–size cigarette costume with the brown filter end for a head
MODERATOR (Blunt Rather): dressed in gray suit with blue tie
NEWS ANCHOR #1 (Kent Winston WBAC News): has microphone with BAC written on it and earpiece
NEWS ANCHOR #2 (Rush Limpjaw WDUI News): at desk with lapel mic
NEWS ANCHOR #3 (Jay Bongsman 420 News): life–size marijuana joint with marijuana leaf on top as his hair, has hand held microphone with pot leaf logo with 420 written across it
PHOTOGRAPHERS (3 to 5 for flash photos at end of debate)
Candidates are behind podiums with microphones on each from several news stations: WBAC, WTAR, WDUI, WIPA,WTHC. Moderator is seated at table between them with timer clock and microphone on it. There is a laptop, script and pen on the table he uses periodically.
There are audience members/constituents seated on stage behind each candidate who applaud at given points and raise their campaign signs. They stand at the end and all applaud keeping signs in air. There can be 5–7 people minimum on each candidate’s side. Some signs can be displayed above their heads to be seen while they’re in the seated position. Respective signs are raised above their heads during the debate at moments of applause for each particular candidate. Audience is seated throughout and only stand at end after their candidates closing speech for longer applause. They all stand after the debate concludes and during the moderator’s wrap up.
NEWS ANCHOR #1 (standing or sitting on higher platform in front, stage right–hand up to right ear):
Good evening, and welcome to our live coverage of tonight’s Presidential Debate, I’m Kent Winston, BAC News. Both party’s campaigns have been heating up in the past several weeks. It’s been a long and winding road on the campaign trail for both candidates. All that time driving around golf carts on the finest courses in the country courtesy of their respective lobbyists, soft and hard PAC money, and special interest groups made sure both candidates were certainly well paid off. Oops! [laughs] Typo in the teleprompter—I mean certainly paid off well for both candidates.
Senator John F. Kegwell has been the “Can do” candidate thus far, poised for one of the biggest political upsets in recent history. The tipping point however, or tipsy point as the case may be, will be decided by voters at the polls in November. Kegwell still needs to prove to binge state voters he’s not a one night can, that he’s no flash in the can, that he’s for the Republic for which it stands—That he’ll be on tap for more than a six pack to inebriated states.
But lawyer by trade, Senator R.J. Cigaretoric, is eager to show voters he’s no Bar Stool Pigeon and won’t rest his case of beer until the verdict sways in his flavor. The tobacco tycoon continues his drag race for the White House and is making sure his smoke signals are turning green—and make sure he won’t stub his Big Tobacco in the process. He’s confident and cognizant he has the necessary legal skills to be a bar tender to stop the BAR TENDER—the increasing amounts of money and momentum flowing into his rival Senator Kegwell’s campaign…[right hand up to earpiece] Okay…it’s almost underway…[speaking hurriedly] We now take you live to our moderator for tonight’s debate.
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the GFU Convention Center, the former Madison Square Beer Garden, where the future of our Nation will be decided over the course of it’s party preferences. I’m your moderator for this evening, Blunt Rather. Please welcome our candidates, to my left [gesture] North TARolina Senator R.J. Cigaretoric, nominee of the Cigartarian Party and to my right [gesture] ArCANsas Senator John F. Kegwell the nominee of the Tailgate Party. Thank you both for being here to further elucidate your respective party platforms in a transparent public forum. Each of you has been briefed regarding the rules and guidelines of the debate beforehand and let’s agree to have a civilized discourse on behalf of the public who’ll elect either of you as the ruling party for the next years of their lives. Without further adieu, we’ll begin with the Candidate’s opening statements. Senator Cigaretoric, you may begin.
Thank you Blunt and thanks to my lobbyist posse in the front row [gesture] and to our viewing audience at home. In this great country of ours, one has the Constitutional right to use any recreational substance one chooses. However, one must also obey the law—which narrows a law abiding citizen’s choice down to two substances: Our product and the other party’s product. I proudly state that our product does not cause fights and you can safely operate machinery and motor vehicles with it. Our product encourages sobriety, and furthermore, waiting until you’re 21 is such a drag so take one earlier with ME!! [Applause]
Senator Kegwell, your opening statement.
Good evening my fellow AmeriCANS [Applause]. I am honored to be the nominee of the Tailgate Party and honored for the opportunity to be served to all Americans. If elected, I promise you’ll get your fill of cool, crisp refreshing new ideas. I promise to be an open container, share secrets and inner workings of government with the public and develop mutual trust by not being a barfly on the wall in your personal lives. Together we’ll develop a codependency on each other and support each other in time of need. I’ll have hands off policies so you CAN have hands on CANS!! [Applause]
Senator Kegwell, I’d like to begin this debate by stating that usage of your product is illegal for minors.
I’ll also note Senator that your product cannot be sold to minors.
True, our product cannot be sold to minors, but it is not however illegal for minors to use our product.
And is that why you’ve used impersonal vending machines to dispense your product Senator? So you can get around selling to minors?
Our product was never outlawed like YOURS Senator Kegwell! [Applause]
And all your advertising is deliberately aimed at people just becoming teenagers Senator Cigaretoric—there seems to be no concern about your product’s risks to their long term health.
Look at your product Senator! You’re not even allowed to show people using it in commercials per FCC guidelines—does that not indicate your product is indeed harmful?
At least we can still have commercials Senator Cigaretoric—you had to take all your ads to China! That’s very Un–AmeriCAN! [Applause]
I think it’s only fair that cigarettes be advertised on television as well. The other party has benefited from this unfair advantage for far too long.
That’s because your product IS unhealthy and harmful. Our product is for responsible recreational use only and presents no harm when used correctly and in moderation.
Safe! Your product is lethal! There is not only statistical and conclusive proof but also heart wrenching tales of young teenagers drinking too much in one night at YOUR party and dying. Senator Kegwell, I ask you how you can deny the dangers of your product when this is a well–established indisputable fact? No one has ever died from using our product in one night. Senator Kegwell, you can use our product and still drive a car home! [Applause]
And your product Senator Cigaretoric is immediately addictive to it’s users whereas ours is not. If this was NOT the case, then why are there not “social smokers” who smoke only on Fridays and festive occasions like there are social drinkers? How Senator do you interpret these facts?
We interpret it that users enjoy our product and we provide it to them at the utmost convenience.
Senator, you don’t eat a hamburger every day, three times a day even if you love hamburgers. People do have more than 3 cigarettes a day.
[hands up gesturing] Back up a minute that is untrue—the fact that people use our product frequently just indicates how much our users enjoy the taste of it. Also since our product is small, it stands to reason that it takes more of it to equal the serving size of a hamburger.
Well, we’ve all seen “Kiss Me I Don’t Smoke” pins and stickers. You notice we don’t see “Kiss Me I Don’t Drink” ones? That’s because more kissing happens because of drinking than smoking Senator Cigaretoric! [Applause]
Well, some people smoke after sex and some people drink before it. But no one drinks after sex Senator because they already made the mistake! YOUR product is the difference of having a night to remember versus a night they’d rather forget. It’s YOUR product that causes the flirting and fornication faux pas—Random hookups and upchucks. Last call love. But I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt Senator—your product does taste better than regret. [Applause]. As a matter of fact, you seem to be having a 2 for one sale on regret—your product not only causes liquid muscles but also liquid loveless so it seems you are helping the economy after all. [Applause]
Your users typically don’t like the taste of your product when they first try it—what does that say about your product’s habit forming tendencies? It’s clear to me that when the smoke clears, it’s an addiction machine to trap a customer for life. [Applause]
[Irritated] That point is irrelevant. I guarantee no one liked their first taste of your product either—they learned to like it—some learned to like it too much Senator Kegwell! [Applause] Your product is addictive while ours is not—it is the free choice of the user.
[Appalled] Free choice? How do you see that?
Whoa, don’t blow your Pop–Top Senator! People can exercise their choice to use our product or not. I fail to see how this makes our product addictive. On the other hand, your product is addictive—it causes users of your product become alcoholics.
You are unfairly and inaccurately generalizing a small percentage Senator–when you are generalizing, you are spreading GENERAL LIES. Our product, Senator Cigaretoric is intended to be used at festive occasions and social gatherings. If people use our product all alone, they are said to have a drinking problem—but if someone smokes all by themselves then nothing is seen to be wrong with that? They are not seen as having a smoking problem? Why is this Senator? Aren’t they not “Cigaholics” as well? [Applause]
That was a cheap shot just like beer is a cheap shot Senator Kegwell.
Well, true I’m no Uncle Tom Collins Senator. But let’s not ignore the fact that our product at least can be digested by the body. What use does your product have for the body? That is the real proof your product is addictive and has no biological use. And you certainly won’t “come a long way baby” if your mother smokes! [Applause]
Look who’s talking Mr. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome! Our product isn’t an enemy of brain development and IQ like yours is. I remind you Senator Kegwell that chewing gum also has “no biological use” but millions of people use IT everyday, some several times a day.
And why Senator do you suppose people use chewing gum?
I believe they do indeed enjoy the taste—plus the added benefit that chewing helps protect teeth and strengthens jaw muscles but I won’t pretend to be a dental expert in front of my constituents.
Well it doesn’t take a dentist to know that your product does not clean teeth and certainly doesn’t strengthen ANY part of the lungs. The free radicals in cigarette smoke make your face age prematurely—sounds like a regular Beverly Hills beauty regimen to me! [Applause] And I’m still wondering Senator—can you tell me why your product doesn’t come in the variety of flavors chewing gum has?
Our product is based on simplicity and convenience. We don’t need elaborate packaging to attract users as you do—you’d think if you just add beer it’s instantly all bikinis and beach parties! [Applause]. You have all these fancy and deceptive ads on television—you dress up your product with an endless array of bells and whistles to make it seem safer when in fact your product is harmful to the body.
That is wrong Senator—we do not need to make our product safer.
(Interrupting) That’s a lie, you have alcohol free beer!
Please don’t interrupt Senator Cigaretoric.
Don’t have a Nic Fit Senator. We don’t have a filter on the neck of a beer bottle do we? Why does your product need a filter if it is not in fact harmful?
Senator this splitting hairs is pointless. I remind you that even chewing gum can be harmful. Chewing gum manufacturers offer an alternative for their users which is similar to our filter.
What are you saying Senator? That you intend to make YOUR version of sugarless cigarettes? Senator Cigaretoric, you must be joking—there is no comparison between your product and chewing gum. And I surmise there’ll be bacon flavored chewing gum long before cigarette flavored. [Applause] Even people who don’t care about tar on their lungs won’t go for tar on their teeth! [Applause]
I remind you Senator, that your product impairs driving ability and harms the liver—these are well documented facts.
Our product certainly should not be used before or when driving a motor vehicle or operating machinery. People must be responsible and vigilant with friends and family, but other than that, out product is safe when used correctly and in moderation. On the other hand, your product is addictive and it’s long term use promotes cancer and other health complications. If this were NOT true Senator, why then is it more difficult to get insurance if one is a user of your product? And why does insurance cost more if one is a user of your product? Perhaps there’s something insurance companies know that you’re not telling! [Applause]
And why does car insurance get more expensive with each DUI Senator Kegwell? No one ever lost their driver’s license for smoking and driving. [Applause]
Beer never accidentally started a house or forest fire Senator. Your product causes fires—our product just stains rugs, furniture and Frat House floors. Your product stains lungs.
Your product stains lives!
(Time Buzzer goes off)
Candidates we have run out of time. Each of you may proceed with your closing statements. Starting with Senator Cigaretoric.
I’d like to conclude and ask that citizens elect me as your choice of party. Don’t elect someone who’ll turn The White House into The Frat House. Don’t order a draft when our country needs to keep the torch lit. I’m the Candidate who will keep the torch lit!! And when friends and family ask “Got a light?”, you can proudly reply, “Yes, a vote for Cigaretoric!!” [Applause] Elect a Light Of Camelot with uncompromising smooth character to get you through these dark ages. I’m a staunch supporter of The Bill Of Lights, and as Commander In Chief, I’ll be a Smoking Gun, [Fist gesture] tough on defense and always ready for a preemptive Lucky Strike to defend this Great Marlboro Country from all enemies, Imported and Domestic [Glaces at Senator Kegwell, Applause]. This Election Day, it’s a choice between a Constitutional Light and a [gesture towards Kegwell] ConstiBOOZEional night! [Applause] Don’t roll out the barrel of drunk monkeys with Senator Kegwell when you’ve got a match with ME! [Applause]
My opponent will lead you on his own “Tap Dance.” A Tap Dance full of promises only to certain selective groups like in his commercials, when in fact he’ll treat you like chopped liver by underCANdidly robbing you of your liver! [Applause] Senator Kegwell says his product is only for festive social gatherings and groups. He is not concerned with the individual like I am. Our product serves individuals like you. If his product is not for individuals, then his policies cannot be either. So on Election Day, don’t get a Dent in President with some can, don’t elect Mr. CANdiDATE Rape over here [gesture]…vote Cigaretoric and make me YOUR Cignificant other! [Applause] And together, we’ll let KOOL heads prevail and show our Hoppy headed opponents that Buttheads can certainly butt heads!!
Cheers and chanting “In Hail To The Chief”
Waving campaign signs that state:
In Hail To The Chief
Cigaretoric For President
Cigaretoric IS my
The Leader Of The Pack
I’m Hooked On Cigaretoric
We Don’t Need A Dent In President
Waiting Til You’re 21 Is Such A Drag
Take One Early With Cigaretoric
Got A Light?
A Light Of Camelot
In These Dark Ages
Don’t Elect CANdiDATE Rape
Let KOOL Heads Prevail
Cigaretoric is MY
Be A Draft Dodger
Don’t Kick The Habit
Kick The Can!!
Roll One With Cigaretoric
I’ve Got A Match
Senator Kegwell, you may begin your closing statement.
My fellow AmeriCANS, elect me as your party. Don’t listen to Cigarethoric! He does not have your best interests in mind. He will make you keep up with the pack—his pack. He is NOT working for you or your health. He is the leader of the pack—a pied piper with a white flute, the butt end of a joke on YOU. Elect me and I’ll make sure the Butt stops here!! [Applause] With my opponent’s track record of Unlucky Strikes, he’s become the Pall Mall Bearer of bad news for our Nation’s economy [Applause]…and I won’t rest my case until everyone is tapped into the drafts of change brewing all around.
Can we afford another Cigaretoric Benson & Hedge Funds Scandal? Can we afford any more bad AdViceroy and a Cabinet stocked full of stocks from Wall Street Super Bull Markets? He’s the incumbent who made your income bent!! So on Election Day, say Pack Your Drags, Happy Vapor Trails Cigaretoric!! [Applause]
Even as an incumbent Senator, re–electing is a [Quote gesture] re–buttal we can do without. Let’s have a Smokeout, perform Cancerviellance and issue a Cardiac Arrest Warrant! [Applause] Have a change of heart and a change of heart disease. Recycle, get some change and issue a real reBUTTal! [Applause] Don’t let your future go up in smoke. Don’t huff and puff and blow your future down. Don’t vote for a Candidate who’ll turn The White House into a Smoke House. This Election Day, don’t get a secondhand shake from Mr. Secondhand Smoke. Your lungs will be Gone With The Wind if your companion is this Cigarette Butler!! Exercise your CANstitutional right of No Smoke King. This Election Day, let’s go to the Hops, and United we can be so Hoppy together! Vote for me, John F. Kegwell and Ask What Your Country CAN do for YOU!!
Chants, cheers and signs waving stating:
It’s Un–AmeriCAN to be a Draft Dodger
Don’t Let Your Future Go Up In Smoke
Kegwell’s my CANdidate
Don’t Huff & Puff And Blow Your Future Down
Ask What Your Country CAN Do For You!!
Kegwell For President
Don’t Let Your Future Be A Drag
Don’t Get Cancer
Get CAN SIR!!
Don’t Be A Draft Dodger Be A Draft ROGER
(Sign has thumbs up image)
Happy Vapor Trails
Pack Your Drags for the CRYvate Sector
So Hoppy Together
Let’s Go To The Hops!!
Kegwell is MY
Don’t Kick The Can
Kick The Habit!!
Roll With Kegwell
Sound Effects (SFX): Applause, cheers as candidates walk towards each other and shake hands in pose. Photographers in front of stage stand up and cameras flash as Kegwell & Cigaretoric continue smiling and shaking hands, then waving to audience.
NEWS ANCHOR #1 (Kent Winston WBAC News)–standing or sitting on higher platform in front, stage right:
Well there you have it. The conclusion of tonight’s Presidential debate. The showdown was a fairly civilized match for each Candidate to spread their civil lies. Each draft dodging questions and using smoke and mirrors by the case or carton. Another shining example of BUY Partisan politics at it’s finest. But the Backwashing and Spin the Bottle Doctors will no doubt certainly be working overtime as the election campaigning comes down to the wire in these final weeks.
Polls showed Senator Kegwell with a slight margin going into the debate and he certainly gave a strong full bodied performance here tonight although it’s unclear at this point as to who won the debate. We’ll keep you updated as more details become available. Now stay tuned for our political analysis coming right up and our obligatory all night political pundit party. So forego the beer and cigarettes for this folks and break out the coffee and amphetamines while we pontificate nonstop until long after Election Day. Wishing you bloodshot eyes, it’s Party Politics as usual—until the next round America—I’m Kent Winston, BAC News.
FADE OUT (everyone exits stage)
SCENE 2 (Breaking News Segment):
Sound Effects (SFX): Shotgun blast, liquid fizzing and pouring out, police and ambulance sirens, CB chatter
FADE UP/Spotlight to corner of stage right with desk and projection screen (optional).
(Optional) Brief news package on screen : Video of house from distance, then shot of driveway with yellow “Police Line Do Not Cross” tape. Investigators looking under white sheet formed over the shape of large can. Shot of Police taking body into ambulance, shot of chalk outline of Kegwell’s beer can body on driveway. CG in lower third of screen throughout stating “Breaking News: Senator Kegwell Shot.”
NEWS ANCHOR #2 (Rush Limpjaw WDUI News) at news desk, stage right:
Senator John F. Kegwell died yesterday afternoon outside his suburban home from a shotgun wound to the lower abdomen. Ballistics experts say the shot was fired from the Grassy Bowl next to the woods near his home. Police are currently questioning neighbors and local hunters for information on any suspicious activity seen in the area. Police have not stated whether the shooting is suspected as homicide or ruled out the possibility of a hunting accident as the cause of death. For all the news that’s clear as puke on a pledge pin, I’m Rush Limpjaw, DUI News.
SPOTLIGHT stage right as following group walks across to stage left or FADE UP
Optional News Footage on screen: Continuous walking “follow footage” of Senator Cigaretoric walking alongside lawyers as several reporters with microphones and news cameras follow and ask questions.
Did you have Kegwell shot?
Did you kill him?
Was it a conspiracy?
[Hands up to bar off reporters] Give him some air, give him some air!!
(FADE OUT if spotlight not available)
(FADE UP if spotlight not available)
SPOTLIGHT corner of stage left on reporter standing in front
NEWS ANCHOR #3 (Jay Bongsman 420 News) standing with microphone stage left:
Earlier today, Senator R.J. Cigaretoric was taken in for questioning on the death of Senator Kegwell, his former opponent in the upcoming election. Sources close to Senator Cigaretoric are outraged at current allegations of potential involvement in the shooting. Cigaretoric Campaign spokesperson Nick O’Teen certainly got his Irish up stating quote The gosSIP and rumors surrounding this tragic inciDENT are absolutely preposTARous—Senator Cigaretoric would never think of such a thing. He is a man of unquestionable, yet smooth character, a shining light of Camelot in these Dark Ages and would not conDRAGdict these principles by PUFForming or CANdoning such an ALElicious act. The Senator sends his deepest CANdolences to the Kegwell family in this difficult time unquote.
This Presidential Election has turned Campaign into Camp Pain with the death of frontrunner John F. Kegwell. No word yet on what’s brewing in the Draft Party, what’s fuming in the RePufflican Party and who’s on tap for a substitute candidate in the Tailgate Party this close to last call. In the meantime, we’re still waiting for a token’ candidate from the PotLuck Party to run for the Bowlval Office, the Highest Office in the land. Perhaps some Blunt Force Ganja could lead to a Spliff ticket where we could Reefend the Boneland, make joint health a prioriTEA, and be back in the High Life again. So until then, we’ll Keep Toke Alive, and hopefully, in the future, we’ll hear some talking points from talking joints. And maybe then, we can all be Budd Wiser. Jay Bongsman, 420 News.
FADE TO BLACK
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