Air Mattress Blues (Blues Parody Song)

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Woke up 1:30 AM
My back was sore
Air mattress deflated
And I hit the floor
(spoken): There’s an active volcano with your name on it air mattress

 

The cards seem stacked against me
Why can’t I ever win?
Did I commit some
Snoreiginal sin?
(spoken): I was looking for a Bed Zeppelin air mattress not the Hindenburg. I didn’t see anything about beer farts in the instructions

 

Well, sleep roulette ain’t for me
I’m a strait shootin’ guy
You’re the Count Dracula of sheep
And a Franken Lullaby—look out!
(spoken): I’m gonna defriend you on Facebook air mattress…creep on someone else’s wall not my bedroom floor


So I return one again
Back to the store
I never thought I’d become
Such an air matttress whore…ohh Lawd
(spoken):I give you plenty of crack air mattress and you still don’t put out. Have mercy

 

My alarm clock walked out on me
Hit the snooze bar down the street
I found a Dear John letter
“You don’t need me, you need sleep”
(spoken): There’s gonna be some Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap in your future air mattress. I got friends in blow places

 

Well its no fairy tale ending
How I turned and how I tossed
You told me such lies
On the front side of your box
(spoken): Correct me if I’m wrong but “Impermeable” ain’t talking about no new hairstyle now

 

Should I throw you over a cliff?
Or burn you at the stake?
Is there an air mattress abyss
For keeping this po’ boy awake?
(spoken): Johnny Sleep Depprivation is gonna be my new stage name. I may have to take some of my guitar’s AMPhetamines

 

Do I call for a priest
Or get some Craigslist exorcist?
I can’t take anymore
Of these Zombie morning hips
(spoken): I’m gonna bury you at sea in a rip current air mattress—hope you can swim. Now you know how I feel. Even David Hasselhoff can’t save ya now

 

So I call up the company
A desperate man without a bed
Customer service confirmed
What the air mattress autopsy said
(spoken): What’dya mean that model has no warranty? I don’t weigh anywhere near 300 pounds. Does the word starving artist mean anything to you? So let me get this straight…they can build a wall that stands a couple thousand years but can’t make a lasting air mattress?

 

Well it’s all been as fun
As staples in my ass
But I don’t need no one to take me
To any air mattress rehab
(spoken): How about some romantic camping outside Niagara Falls air mattress? Spend some quality time together

 

I was down on my luck now
Living back in the skids
Who’s gonna want a single white blues guitarist
Who can’t get no gigs??
(spoken): I’m leaving you air mattress. This relationships not gonna work because YOU don’t work. Say hi to some class 5 rapids then go suck on the Hoover Dam there air mattress

 

Well hell may freeze over
And pigs may someday fly
But I will forever be
A Single Airmattress Guy—whoa no
(spoken): How’s that for a lifetime SAG card air mattress? Oh I’m full of hot air? It’s because of you air mattress…and I’m gonna huff and puff and blow this house of cards down

 

(spoken): Air mattress…you picked the wrong dude to mess with—blow on this  [guitar solo]

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IK Multimedia - iRig UA

[Interlude]

Now I lay me
Down to sleep
I pray the Lawd
My air mattress don’t leak

And If I should pump
Before daybreak
I pray the Lawd
James Hetfield won’t litigate ohhh no

(spoken): I’m goin’ to Enter Sandman on you air mattress. I’m gonna be your worst nightmare. It’s gonna seem like Rambo sells Girl Scout cookies

 

So I—go to my cupboard
Grab my Bowie knife
Cut you up on the side
And make you my shower’s wife
(spoken): Yah I’ll get some use out of you yet air mattress!!

 

Now you been crucified
On my bathtub cross
I was an air mattress Judas
For all the sleep that I lost
(spoken): It’s a resurrection. Hallelujah—vinyl ain’t dead! It’s like the Shroud of Snorin’

 

Well those days are gone now
It’s all in the past
Now I’m shacking up
With a sexy yoga mat!!!
(spoken): Once you have mat you’ll never go back

 

We’ve been goin’ on strong now
Gettin’ real tight
I’ve even been doing
Downward–Facing Dog at night—yah
(spoken): How’d ya like me now air mattress?

 

Now it’s always my big spoon
Holds me up just so right
I give my mat some ass
Each and every night
(spoken): You coulda had this air mattress

 

So I learned to forgive
All the times I’d been played
You still get to see me nude
Take a leak and while I shave
(spoken): How’s that for a golden shower there air mattress? I guess we can live hap–PEE–ly ever after. Good times

 

My new old lady sticks with me
She don’t need no diamond ring
She’s made of a word
Too long for me to sing
(spoken): Polyurethane wanna cracker? This white boy gives it away now—Ya hear?

 

She’s waiting at home for me
Cushions me with delight
You might say we’re a Dream Team
Like KITT and Michael Knight
(spoken): Aw yah, it’s like turbo boost sleep—no Jack Daniels necessary. It’s black mat–gick

 

Now it won’t be a hole–ly
But a silent night
So take it straight from me
This sound sleep advice
(spoken): I’ve been catching my ZZZss without you air mattress…it’s Facebook official. My yoga mat’s mojo’s workin’

 

[Ritard]
(spoken): How about one of them ritarded endings?? Aw yah!!

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